• Supporting Your Distressed Teen

    Learn ways to recognize when your teen is upset and how you can help them to get through it.

 

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What to look for

Sadness/depression (smiling less, crying often)

Boredom or disinterest (not doing activities they would usually be interested in)

Talking about hurting or killing self, including statements such as:

  • "The world would be a better place without me."
  • "I'd be better off dead."

Withdrawal from friends/family

Cutting/self-mutilation. This can include

  • cutting using a razor, knife, or other sharp object
  • burning one's self

Engaging in risky behaviors

  • Driving recklessly

From the signs of distress listed above, please think of the ones that might apply to your child:

  • Sadness or depression
  • Boredom or disinterest
  • Talking about hurting or killing self
  • Withdrawal from friends/family
  • Cutting/self-mutilation
  • Engaging in risky behaviors

12-Minute Video

Talking with Your Teen About Mental Health

High problem times for teen distress

There are times when your teen may especially be in distress. From the list below, what do you think might be some problem times for your teen?

  • Teen alone after school
  • Teen alone while you are at work
  • Teen alone on weekend
  • Teen spending time alone in their bedroom
  • During the night
  • Other: __________

How to check in with them

If you notice that your teen is sad or depressed

  • Ask them what's wrong and offer them help.
  • Show acceptance and support
  • Avoid judgmental and negative language.

We'll check back in a week to see if you've been checking in with your teen.

Now, let's set up reminders for you to check in with your teen during high problem times

How to keep your teen's environment safe

One of the most important things a parent can do when a youth is in distress and may be thinking of hurting themself is to keep their environment safe.

Here are some things that you can do to make your home as safe as it can be for your distressed teen:

  • Guns - if there is a gun in the home, please lock it up, get a gun lock from your local police department, and/or remove if from the home.
  • All other harmful objects including pills (including tylenol and opiates), knives, ropes, razors, cords, and belts - lock them up and remove youth's access.
  • Tips for making your home safe from the Rhode Island Department of Health

Practicing good communication

  • Don't invalidate your teen's feelings.
  • Avoid using language that may downplay what they are going through (for example, "Snap out of it, there are worse things than this")
  • Be warm and encouraging
  • Praise them for sharing their feelings with you

Tips for improving time with your teen

Be present in the moment and pay full attention to the activity. Put phone/computer away and try not to engage in other distracting behaviors. This will allow for:

  • More warm interactions between you and your teen
  • Allowing conversations to understand what is going on with your teen
  • A foundation for working together

Praising

  • Be specific about what you are praising. Ex: "I like the way you ______." or "You did so well on _____."
  • Try to praise the effort instead of the accomplishment. Ex: "I know you had to give up ____ to get this done, but I'm so proud of you for ______."

Setting aside time in your daily schedule to spend time with teen

Try to plan times once you both are home so that you can partake in activities you both enjoy (i.e., after dinner, before bedtime, etc.) Have fun just being together! Let's put a time in your calendar now!

Increasing positive social support

It's important for your teen to have people in their life that they can talk to. Have your teen make a list of people they would go to when they are really distressed or want to talk to someone.

Encouraging activities that bring your teen a sense of mastery or pleasure

Teens that are more prone to being distressed or depressed tend to spend more time alone, not engaging in activities that bring them joy or or a sense of accomplishment.

You can encourage your teen to choose from a list of activities that either gives them a sense of pleasure or mastery. Here are some low-cost activities that might boost their mood. If you can, sit with your teen and discuss with them ones they might do. If you can’t, try to make your best guess at which ones you could encourage your teen to do:

  • Walking
  • Going for a run
  • Cooking a meal
  • Baking
  • Spending time with a friend
  • Going for a bike ride
  • Going to the beach
  • Working on a craft project
  • Going on a hike
  • Playing a sport
  • Spending time with family members
  • Shopping
  • Gardening
  • Sewing
  • Attending a religious service

Your child watches what you do, and that especially includes times when you’re scared or anxious. You do not have to avoid expressing fear or worries in front of your child--in fact, it is a great opportunity to show them how to healthily cope with anxiety. Here are some ways that you can show your teen how to be brave:

  • Say out loud what you are scared or nervous about ("I am afraid that I will be late to work tomorrow(")
  • Show your teen that you are doing something even though you are anxious or scared ("Going to the doctor makes me anxious but I went anyways today")
  • Show yourself using good coping skills when you are anxious. Taking calming breaths and engage in good self-care
  • Reward yourself in front of your teen when you do something that makes you scared or anxious

Reward yourself in front of your teen when you do something that makes you scared or anxious

Sometimes, teens will tell you when something makes them anxious or scared. Other times, they might keep it to themselves. Here are some possible signs that your teen could be struggling with anxiety:

Think about times when your teen has expressed some worries or times where they've done some of the things we just talked about that can mean they're anxious. What was it that seemed to make them worried, nervous or scared?

  • bugs or insects
  • animals like dogs or cats
  • getting a shot
  • seeing blood or an injury
  • speaking in front of other people
  • having to get up and speak in front of others
  • taking a test at school
  • being separated from you or another caregiver
  • their health or others health
  • their overall school performance

Help your teen to avoid avoidance

As we discussed before, most teens who feel anxious will avoid the thing that’s making them anxious. It’s important for you, as their caregiver, to help your teen to tackle the things that make them scared. Here are some tips on how to help your teen avoid avoidance:

  • Use encouraging language to get your teen to do what they’re afraid of ("I know that you can do it!")
  • Although being encouraging is important, providing a lot of reassurance ("you'll be okay") can sometimes backfire and make your teen more anxious
  • If you can't get them to do the feared thing, then try to at least meet them halfway ("It sounds like going to your friend's party would really make you nervous. Why don't you go for just an hour and then see how you feel?")
  • Reward them when they do something they are scared of doing. This could be something as small as a high five or as big as taking them out to dinner.